On March 9, 2016, an off-duty Jacksonville, Fla., police officer was taking his 14-year-old son to school when he decided to pull over a Cadillac that was driving erratically. The driver, Kevin Rojas, had just threatened his girlfriend with a gun and fired shots in their house before taking off in his car.
Rojas immediately opened fire, hitting the officer in the head, upper body and hand. Meanwhile, the officer’s brave son managed to call for help. Fortunately, Rojas was apprehended soon afterward and the deputy made a full recovery.
That unnamed father-officer had a tough decision to make when his work and family priorities collided that day. Those of us who are privileged to lead our homes and ministries often live with a similar tension.
Here are four common questions I get about pastoring and parenting:
1. Should I protect my kids from church conflict?
Pastors who believe they need to guard their children from major church problems are not wrong, but I want to suggest a caveat. If your children are teenagers, they likely have already heard about these problems, especially if they concern you. Consider starting a high-level conversation that will help you discover what they know, as well as help you discern what they need to know. Is it better for them to hear the truth from you, or some jaded version of it from someone else?
2. How should I shepherd my kids at home?
Some believe there are only two types of ministry parents: those who lead in regular family devotions, and those who struggle with the challenges of parenting. My suggestion is to simply read short passages and pray with your young children before they go to bed. As they get older, make mealtime a more casual-yet-intentional discipleship opportunity.
When our kids were teenagers, it seemed the only time they opened up was when I was ready to go to bed. My wife Janet and I decided we would drop everything whenever our kids made even the smallest initiative toward conversation. As empty nesters, we still practice that today.
3. How often should we make our kids go to church?
The Bible teaches weekly worship, so Janet and I were inflexible about Sunday mornings, yet we did give them more freedom as they got older about Wednesdays. If you do make your kids go “every time the doors are open,” make sure it is their interests which are being considered and not just your own.
4. How can I keep my kids from hating the church?
Do not go into pastor panic if your college-age kids leave the church or question their faith for a season. I suspect most are looking to make sure their beliefs are something they own and not just inherited.
Two-thirds of those who attended church regularly in high school dropped out for at least one year as a young adult, according to a 2019 Lifeway Research study. Janet and I often tell pastors and wives that most preachers’ kids will go through a temporary season of rebellion.
A well-managed home (1 Timothy 3:4) should not be confused with parenting perfectionism. Make sure the grace you preach at church reflects the grace you practice at home—for yourself, as well as your kids.
(EDITOR’S NOTE — Mark Dance is director of pastoral wellness with GuideStone Financial Resources.)
